Please make modifications according to the following suggestions:
FOCUS/THESIS: Focus, your draft seems to respond to a different purpose than this assignment calls for. Your paper focuses on suggesting how companies should devise and implement social media policies, but it needs to be more focused on discussing this particular case.When you are writing a paper, it can be helpful to use this strategy to figure out what “question” your thesis (and the rest of the paper) should aim to answer or discuss:
Use the language of the assignment sheet: take the objective your professor has given you, rephrase it as a question, and then answer that question.
Let’s look at the objective (the what) from the assignment guidelines:
After gathering evidence from a case study provided by your instructor, write an essay in which you evaluate how effectively a real-life company solved a problem. Use the Rhetorical Structure defined in the HOW section.
For this particular assignment, the instructions ask you to evaluate. What does it mean to evaluate something? How might a thesis and paper that evaluates look? If I had to form the objective into a question, it might be How well did BRIXX solve the problem presented when Ashley Johnson criticized a customer online? Or How well did BRIXX handle the problem? OrHow effective and appropriate was BRIXX’s response and why?
Your paper does not currently work to evaluate BRIXX’s handling of the problem; you focus mostly on suggesting the way the policies should be made and discussing the issues surrounding these expectations of privacy, both by the employer and employee, and some of that can certainly be helpful in evaluating how BRIXX handled the situation, but you will need to shift the focus of this paper so that it evaluates the company’s response to the problem you read about in the case study.
Since you are a student studying business, it would make sense to evaluate this decision from a business perspective. In addition to the questions listed in the assignment guidelines, you might start with asking these kinds of questions:
What did BRIXX hope to do with choosing the solution they used?
Did they get the results they hoped to get?
If not, why not?
If so, how?
Could they have done anything better? What? How?
Make sure your paper works to assess the company’s response rather than suggesting what the best way to devise a social media policy would be.
Thesis It makes sense that if your focus is off, your thesis is as well. Let’s look at what you have:
The number of problems related to it have raised and therefore the best solution would be both organization management and employees participating together in making social media policies to guide employee behaviors.
Here is one good way to see if your thesis works: use that question we made from the objective and see if your thesis answers it:
How well did BRIXX solve the problem presented when Ashley Johnson criticized a customer online? Or How well did BRIXX handle the problem? Or How effective and appropriate was BRIXX’s response and why? => The number of problems related to it have raised and therefore the best solution would be both organization management and employees participating together in making social media policies to guide employee behaviors.
It is evident that there is a disconnect between the question that should drive the thesis and your thesis.You should aim to write a thesis statement that includes three major ideas – the who (name the company), the what (whether or not BRIXX handled the problem well) and the why (the reasons that you hold the opinion you do) – and then guides the rest of the paper into supporting and developing its stance.
Here is my example of my thesis statement that includes the who, what, and why: BRIXX’s solution to the employee’s posting on Facebook may not have made every employee happy, but it ensured that employees would practice self-restraint in the future and enabled customers to feel certain that their privacy would be valued at BRIXX. Even though I don’t state if they were right or wrong, I am evaluating the solution (this part caused some problems, but the other part made sense). This gives me the opportunity to discuss a few things (how employees felt, what the outcome was for the company, how the policy benefited customers) and indicates what these topics are and the order in which I will address them. (Note: I did not assess the case study myself, so this thesis is not based on what you read.)
Here are some additional tips on writing a thesis statement:
First of all, ask yourself, what is the point of this essay? What am I trying to do and what specifically do I want to have happen?
Write 20 titles as fast as you can.Choose the title that most closely expresses the main point you want to make and rewrite it as a thesis.
What is the focus of your entire essay? Make an idea map: number each paragraph, and on a separate sheet of paper, write the idea of each paragraph. Then, develop a focus or thesis from there.
Use a thesis model. For this assignment, there was a model in the guidelines: Try using this as a thesis statement model: The solution ______________ Company X implemented to solve (define the problem) _____________________________ did/did not work effectively because ___________________________________. (You can list more than one reason).
DEVELOPMENT: Developing topics to respond to objective, make sure your topic sentences somehow address the main objective of this assignment: to assess whether or not BRIXX’s response to the problem they faced was a good one. The assignment guidelines say that the body of your paper should consist of the following:
Evaluation of Solution: Using evidence from the Case Study and your own reasoning, discuss, point by point, why you think the solution did or did not work effectively. Remember, any solution to a problem must address the root cause of the problem.
This means that each of your paragraphs should work to elucidate the reasons that you think that BRIXX’s solution to the problem was “a good one” or not. Each of your topic sentences should basically be able to fill in the blanks here: This paragraph shows how BRIXX was/wasn’t right to do what they did because_____________ or This paragraph shows that BRIXX did/did not handle the problem effectively because __________________.
For your revision, aim to have each paragraph discuss some reasoning behind your evaluation of BRIXX’s response to the problem.Ask, how does this paragraph show that BRIXX’s solution was/wasn’t effective? Use whatever you come up with there to be a starting point for your topic sentence.
Developing strong connection to case study, there is a lot of information in this draft that you should be able to use in the final, although you will have to more strongly create a link between the reasoning you use and the case study itself. Look at this excerpt:
According to the duty perspective, someone might argue that an employee should be obligated to support and promote benefits of their employer as long as they want to remain working in the organization. On one hand, employers expected their employees have a high level of loyalty by using surveillance strategies. On the other hand, the organization should work as a protector, it should be on the forefront of protecting individual rights of the employees (Smith & Gallicano, 2015).
This information could totally be part of your revision’s discussion of whether BRIXX handled the problem well or not, but you will need to clearly identify the specific way you are using the information to explain your evaluation. It might look something like this:
According to the duty perspective, someone might argue that an employee should be obligated to support and promote benefits of their employer as long as they want to remain working in the organization. With that in mind, Johnson clearly overstepped the boundaries that she agreed to respect when she signed her contract. Because of this, BRIXX’s surveillance strategies can be defended as simply enforcing the expectation of loyalty identified in the contract.
Keep everything in your paper pointed toward evaluating THIS particular case study as specifically as possible; big statements have to lead back to the focus and thesis: did BRIXX’s solution work or not and why.
the case is the first file.
the second file is the paper you wrote, and I submitted after making some modifications.
the third is the assignment description.
the fourth one is the paper you wrote.
